The games I beat when I was five, told by me when I was five


Many of us know what it’s like to beat a video game. As the credits roll, the music is a hymn to our success. Perhaps the end of the story satisfies. Maybe not. Maybe it didn’t exist. Either way, we’re proud. We handled what the developers threw at us and lived to tell the story.

The triumph is increased tenfold when you are a kid. This anthem is downright national. It’s not just a feat. It’s a milestone on the road to…where we suppose we’re headed in life.

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I vividly remember my thoughts on this most critical topic, from the beginning of my tenure with games. I was a talkative child who thought he knew everything. Supposedly, I beat several matches when I was five, although as you’ll soon learn, that wasn’t always true.

Walk with me, dear readers. We are about to have a flashback. I’m going to teach you how to finish video games like I couldn’t until I was five.


seven Jurassic Park: Rampage Edition

So you already know that in the original Jurassic Park video game, you’re always going the right way. You start on the left side of the screen going right all the time. You have to reach the right side, that’s why they call it just because it’s right. So I’m not going to tell you about it because you already know it.

In this game, like in the first game, you can be a velociraptor or Alan Grant. You have to choose the raptor, which is cool.

Now start the level from the left side and I think America is shooting at you. They shoot you because you’re a raptor, and they hate raptors. You also have to hate them. If you can open them with the hook on your foot, they will die. If they’re dead, they can’t shoot you.

Then you fight a flying mother. Her kids try to eat you, but you run away and now you’re in Texas, I think. America is there too so be careful. Then you are at Indiana Jones, then you come to the river, so keep going straight. The triceratops dies.

You now reach the freighter. Here is the purple raptor who is evil and wants the ship for himself. America doesn’t shoot him, only you because they hate you. So to beat the purple raptor, don’t jump up and bite him in the face, then you beat Jurassic Park: Rampage Edition.

6 mortal combat

Well first of all you can’t tell your mother that you play this game because it’s very, very, very mature. It teaches you things you’re not supposed to know yet, like blood and all that. If your mom sees you playing Mortal Kombat, you can tell her it’s a movie, and she’ll believe you because the graphics are so good people think it’s a movie and your mom won’t know. .

There are many characters to choose from, but you have to choose Lou. If you choose Lou, the game is really easy, but if you don’t, it’s stupid.

So you’re going to fight a lot of people, but if you press the buttons on your controller a lot, they can’t keep up with you. You can’t stop pressing buttons, or you’ll die. If you can push a lot of buttons really fast, you can kill the other guy, and there’s a lot of blood, so cover your eyes.

Actually, I lied because the game is really hard at the end. Same with Lou. There’s a guy named Goro with a bunch of arms, and you can only kill him with GameShark.

5 Mega Man X

In this game you are the Mega Men, but you can only be the boring blue Mega Man. The red Mega Man is much cooler, but you can’t be him, which is stupid, and I almost quit the game. But I’m glad I didn’t because if you keep playing, it’s really, really good, even if you’re not the red Mega Man. Besides, he dies.

So if you’ve played Jurassic Park, you already know to keep going all the time, so you may be right. You can fire your Star Trek phaser. Do that a lot. There are a lot of robots and when you see the octopus guy you have to know you are going to die so keep trying different things until you win then he will die.

At the end, Boba Fett appears, then you fight the evil Robo Cop. It’s too hard, but there’s a special code you can use to see the last bits so you’ve completed the game. It counts if you see the end. But I can’t give you the code because it’s a secret.

4 Super Mario Kart

This game is really weird, but it has cool cars. Then you know how Sonic has a bad friend named Mario. Well, Mario is in it, as are dinosaurs, a mushroom, other people, and a girl. So you are in a bike car, and you have to go faster than everyone else, but they will throw stuff at you, green snails, red snails and blue snails which make you sad. There are other things, but I don’t remember them.

To beat the girl and the dinosaur keep driving. If you stop driving, you’ll never win, but if you keep driving, and you drive better and faster, and you’re a good person, then the game will let you win, and you’ll get a really cool ending where Mario gets a sword on him.

3 Vermilion Sword

When you were born in the game, a bad thing happened, and you live in a village with wood, and your father dies. So you get sad. And then you have to buy a weapon. You can talk to people and hang out, and you’ll fight monsters like evil jelly. And werewolves. And skeletons. Enter the cave and you will see through your eyes and not the sky.

It’s really confusing in the cave, but if you keep trying, you’ll come out of the dark. After that, fight stuff, but you will die because it’s bad stuff and very hard. But I’m smart because I have a secret code to beat the bad guy who dies but says he’ll be back.

I eat a lot of oatmeal while playing this game.

2 Myst

You can’t beat this video game. I tried a lot and very hard, and I didn’t succeed. If you try as hard as you can, that’s fine, but beating Myst isn’t a good thing to do, because you can’t do it. But, if you give the keyboard to your uncle, and he beats it for you, it’s probably because the game is very, very mature and you also have a magical uncle like me who is very good and magical.

You can try to solve puzzles but it doesn’t work and too many puzzles are here. But it looks nice so I liked it. Only Uncle Russell knows how to do it without GameShark. So if you do his chores for him, you defeat Myst with Uncle Magic.

1 Sonic Spinball

It’s the last Sonic game, probably ever. It’s much more mature than the others, which means it’s over. You’re going to get on a plane with Tails, and you’re in the sewers, but some swollen shark heads are trying to kill you. The fins can save you, but if you are not saved by the fins, the dinosaur will eat you. Don’t close your eyes because you need to know you’ve failed.

And then you’re into the lava thing. That’s where they hurt. If you are hit by steam, you will be hit by steam more until you probably die. But if you keep pressing the buttons, the bad lava will be gone, then you fight a TV with tubes, and it kills the baby squirrels. I almost cried, but I didn’t because I’m actually very, very mature.

Then you go to space and kill Robotnik. You might need GameShark, but I don’t. It only took me until my birthday and then a bit longer. It’s because I’m very smart and good at all games.

Next:RPG Villains I Only Forgave Because The Game Told Me I Had To


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